he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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