hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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