Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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