The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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