Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
