it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize