Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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