3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
