im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
