This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize