Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
