Umm I'm too high to move.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
be right there i have to get my cape
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
