That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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