So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
