can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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