My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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