This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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