i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
