if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
