life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
His nipple licking is glorious
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