I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I love having hate sex.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize