any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
