I want to stick my p in your. b.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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