when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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