i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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