I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
