did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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