I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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