How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
