My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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