Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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