I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize