Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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