on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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