did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
