tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
