I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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