so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
