he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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