woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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