Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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