We're like a lot better than the average bears
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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