omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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