i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
