this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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