she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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