Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
