My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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