So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
