i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
