hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
