I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
