There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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