How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
