if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
