As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
