I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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